Thursday, April 19, 2012

Refusing to Fade Away


It has been months since I posted. And they have been some pretty rough months. During that time I've written a few posts in my head, but sadly, its not the thought that counts when writing a blog.

My time has been consumed by some pretty heart-wrenching family drama. I wish I could say that I've dealt with the stress well by keeping up an exercise schedule, but that couldn't be further from the truth. In fact, I have comforted myself and my kids with oodles of baked goods and dinners that consist of some sort of cheesy, creamy goodness. I haven't had a full night's sleep since December 18th. My body is showing the signs of all of this neglect.

I've seen bloggers disappear in the past. Some I've reached out to because I truly loved reading them every week. And I wonder how they are doing on their journey and what caused them to fade away from the interwebs. I don't want to be one of those that fade away. But I think I may understand a little why they do. Taking a hiatus is sometimes necessary when life demands. And when your blog is about your choice to live a healthy lifestyle or strive toward a goal - it is sometimes easier to stay gone than to admit defeat.

But I miss my blogger friends. And I miss my real-life runner friends. I don't feel like I'm "part of the club" anymore. It seems we just don't have much to talk about when there are no plans to make for the next race that is coming up. I get jealous about those status updates of smiling faces with medals around their necks while I'm sitting at home in my pajamas drinking a third cup of coffee to fuel me after a long night. I'm happy for them, but sad for me at the same time.

As overwhelming as circumstances have been, I realize I'm doing myself no good in my current state of pity-partydom. And there have to be others out there who have experienced major setbacks like this and still managed to climb back on the wagon. So, while I don't feel great, I do feel hopeful. I'm looking at a printout of a 30 week training program mocking me on the bedroom door. And the decision has been made.

I'm starting from over from scratch.

Square One.

Again.

I can't muster up a whole lot of excitement right now. But I do have enough determination to at least take the first step.

And I just really want to be one of the cool kids again :)

9 comments:

  1. KELLY!!! I can't tell you how happy I was to see your blog post pop up on my page. I've missed you!! I'm so sorry to hear you've been having a rough time of it, and it sounds like it's really taken a toll on you. Starting over is awesome. New chances, new beginnings, new opportunities!!!

    You've always impressed me with your strength, you honey badger, you! And you're one of the coolest kids I know. :)

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  2. NORA!!!! It sure is good to hear from you. I love how you're all delusional in your memories of me :) And thanks for the positive words about starting over. It is a great way to look at things. That overwhelming feeling I had is now dissipating in favor of excitement for those new opportunities. I look forward to logging miles with you again!

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  3. Well welcome back to blog world!
    I'm sorry things have been rough. I know that for myself when things get hard or sad (like now) I get pretty quiet on my blog. But it always feels good to come back.

    Good luck with your starting over. Soon enough you'll be showing off your medals, too!

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  4. You will always be one of the cool kids, whether you are running or not. Others are sidelined by injury, time pressures, etc. Don't worry about that. But you do need to be healthy - so do what you can to get there. You know we are hear for you. And heck, sign up for a race out there in the future (January maybe?). I've had to ditch two races that I signed up for recently due to schedule issues but they were local and not too expensive, but I'm committed to one of those travel-related Mouse races and that helps keep me going.

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  5. Ronda - You have been so inspiring. I have loved following you on FB and it amazes me every time you run another race! You are a machine! I really need to catch up on your blog to read all those race reports. One of these days we will end up at the same race together and I can't wait :) Thanks for stopping over to say hi!

    Laura - Thanks so much for your message. My friends on TGM have been pretty amazing through all of this. And you are right about needing to be healthy. All the stress has led to some pretty destructive behavior and I know that needs to change. I own it. And as soon as I can start thinking further ahead than the next 24 hours, I will get a race on the books :)

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  6. Chop Chop! Get moving Kelly! Don't make me come there and kick your butt!

    Life is about Attitude, and while it can be so much easier to stick your head in the sand and ignore what bothers you, you know you won't be happier when you finally take a good, honest look around at where you are. It may be ugly some days, it may be horrendously painful, but acceptance of the present is the first step.

    Here is where you are - don't label it square one - that is a defeatist phrase that mocks you when you need support and motivation to move forward. I'd call it X marks the Spot - there are many directions you can go from that spot - including backwards - if you choose to.

    And it is indeed about choices - you've chosen your family first - no shame or harm in that - but you have also chosen NOT to move yourself forward at the same time. Admit it, accept it, use it to move you, then let it go. Your family and friends need YOU to be healthy and happy, mind and body and spirit, in order that they (and you) get the best of you. So take a step, even a baby step, today in the direction that is going to help you, going to nourish you and allow that step to be with you, stay with you - however small - and then take another when you're ready. Don't force it, or analyze it too much, or beat yourself up about the past. Just move forward.

    C'mon, we'll hold your hand, or kick your butt if you're going to be stubborn about it - but we won't let you down. Love ya!

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  7. Nancy-your friend in IowaApril 30, 2012 at 1:31 PM

    Kelly,

    Maybe we can help each other virtually. I have been telling myself for months I was going to get off the couch and get moving and haven't done anything about it but dream.

    I would love to someday do my own half-marathon. I know I would finish towards the back of the pack, but finishing is what is important to me.

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  8. I am clearly VERY delayed inn commenting (SOOOOOOO behind on blogs, ugh... it's overwhelming)... but I wanted you to know I'm here. And not to put any grand schemes in your mind, but uh... there's still Route 66... and we're still all going! And you know you want to! Love ya Kelly!!!

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  9. Reid - You are so wise. My forward motion has been slow, but it is forward, nonetheless. And it feels good. Thanks for your pep talk/brutal honesty/support. I can always count on you for all those things :)

    Nancy - Thanks for taking the time to comment here. I'm totally gonna think up some sort of virtual accountability thing we can do. That would be perfect!

    Lesley - I just love you. And I've been keeping up with all of your races and I think you are nothing short of awesome! That 30 week plan on my wall ends on November 18th. Just sayin' :)

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